Our Best Defense

Our Best Defense against Pornography

By Kerry Hanson Jensen

article found here 

In one verse of scripture, I found my family’s key to avoiding the explicit images that seemed to be everywhere.

I was shopping for school clothes with my nine-year-old son when our conversation turned from lighthearted chitchat to a more serious question. “Mom, why do they have to put that stuff in all the store windows?”

“That stuff” he was referring to was immodest pictures displayed in the windows of just about every shop we passed. Although pictures like these had always been there, I hadn’t paid much attention to them before. But the fact that my oldest son was starting to take notice awakened a new awareness in me. Over the next weeks, I began to see these images everywhere: on television, at the grocery store, at restaurants, in advertisements that came in the mail. I couldn’t get away from them. Some images were so explicit that I began to feel perplexed, and a feeling of alarm began to grow in my heart. How was I supposed to protect my family from the traps of pornography?

Every general conference we hear warnings about its devastating effects, and we have been acquainted with its victims. We had taken all of the precautions at home with our computer and the media we allowed there, but clearly, unless our children were quarantined, there seemed to be no way to completely avoid seeing unwanted images that might lead to further curiosity. Could my son’s innocent gaze at the grocery store turn into a lifetime struggle with pornography? My anxiety over this issue grew, and I began to feel a sense of helplessness and vulnerability in protecting my children.

Then one day while I was reading in the Book of Mormon, I unexpectedly found reassurance in 1 Nephi 15. Nephi is explaining Lehi’s vision of the tree of life to Laman and Lemuel when they ask the meaning of the river of water. Nephi answers in verse 27:

 “And I said unto them that the water which my father saw was filthiness; and so much was his mind swallowed up in other things that he beheld not the filthiness of the water” Lehi’s mind was focused on the tree of life and getting his family to it to partake of its fruit! He didn’t even see the filthiness because of this focus.

That was the answer! Keeping inappropriate media out of our home was a start, but a more direct and conscious effort to teach our children the gospel is what would ultimately be their best defense against anything that could lead them away.

Because of this experience with the scriptures, my husband and I decided to redouble our efforts in teaching our children and thus keep our eyes on the love of God instead of the filthiness in the world. We have felt impressed to focus on three different areas*:

1. Increasing our own personal scripture study and decreasing the “noise” around us. Like Lehi, our minds must be filled with positive things in order to hear the promptings of the Spirit and to keep us focused on anchoring our family in the gospel. My husband and I try to regularly spend time talking about the spiritual needs of each individual in the family and how we can meet those needs and create a home where the Spirit can thrive.

2. Making family scripture study more meaningful. Although it takes a lot of effort just to gather the family together daily to read scriptures, we are trying to have more discussion when we read the scriptures. We have a wide range of ages with our children, so we read scriptures with the younger kids later in the day and the oldest kids early in the morning when the little ones are asleep so there is less distraction and more opportunity for discussion. We have found that almost daily there is discussion of current events that relates to the scriptures we are reading.

Most mornings are far from idyllic, but with perseverance we are finding that the kids really are listening and participating, even though sometimes it takes a lot of effort to get everyone together.

3. Doing missionary work. When we bear testimony, the Spirit testifies that what we are saying is true, and our testimonies grow. We are trying to make missionary work a family affair. We talk about sharing the gospel, and we regularly invite friends to our home. We also take every opportunity to have the missionaries and investigators over for gospel discussion. We have had wonderful experiences with new members of the Church and investigators in our home, and it has made an impression on our children as they reflect on their own testimonies and hear those of the missionaries.

I am so grateful for the Book of Mormon and the miraculous way a single verse of scripture has given me reassurance and a clear direction for our family. The scriptures can truly replace fear and helplessness with power and peace.

That's a Wrap!

This semester has flown by! I am so grateful I was able to take FAM160 Family Relations at BYU-Idaho. My tuition was worth it just for this class! As I have spent the day studying for my final exam I have pondered on how much knowledge I have gained. 

When I was little my sister and I would spend hours playing with our dolls. We loved it! We couldn't wait for the day when we would have our own babies. I can remember how much I loved babysitting, for it helped me catch a glimpse of what it would be like to take care real babies. 

Many young girls have hope chests filled with items they have collected for their future family. I am no different. I can remember making an apron in achievement days and being ecstatic to add it to my hope chest. Through the years I would constantly add items I found. Over the years I have accumulated quite a bit of stuff. I remember one day my brother was helping me organize it all. He said to me, "Katelyn when you bring a man home I am going to show him all of your stuff so he know's what he is getting himself into!"  

It is true that I have accumulated quite a bit of treasures. I am grateful for this class, for it has allowed me to prepare for my future family in a different way. It has given me tools to help create my future family with intention. I'll be forever grateful for it.  

"You will be the most important teacher your children will ever have, so choose your learning carefully. Bless your children and your future home by learning as much as you can now." Mary N. Cook 

Protect the Nestlings

I remember it vividly, it was Christmas eve, it was late in the morning. Mom was upstairs cooking, the Christmas lights were on, all 4 kids (two preteen, and two teenagers) sat on the downstairs couches waiting somewhat patiently for the technician to install our early Christmas present: satellite tv. Oh we were ecstatic! No longer would we have to make the trek to grandma's house (a short walk) to watch our favorite shows. The time had come. The boys would finally get their NBA, and the girls would finally get unlimited access to the disney channel. After what seemed like hours, the technician placed the remote in my dad's hand.

 We cheerfully called for mom to come downstairs so we could watch the first show as a family. What was the show? Tim Allen's classic Home Improvement series. Oh we laughed and laughed. For a short time we all sat as one big happy family, that quickly faded however once the show was over. All 4 kids had waited eagerly for the chance to watch "their" show. With only one tv screen that was impossible. That tv would prove the anger that can overcome a family, that is if we choose to let it. Oh how my siblings and I fought over that tv! 

"It's game 7 of the NBA finals! I HAVE to watch it!"

"No way, there's a new episode of Hannah Montana on!"

"Go watch it at grandma's, this is more important!"

(screaming loudly) "MOM!!! We called the tv at dinner and now the boys wont let us have it."

Yes that tv caused serious contention and anger in my family. After briefly discussing anger in my family relations class this week I have felt impressed to study it further. I found this talk by Lynn G. Robbins that has helped me understand anger and the contention it can cause. He begins by saying something I find profound, 

"We learn in the proclamation on the family that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan” and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members."

How many of us have heard these common phrases:

"He made me mad"

“I lost my temper”

“But I can’t help myself”

The talk goes on to explain that many individuals feel anger is uncontrollable, Elder Robbins makes it clear that anger is not an uncontrollable emotion, but rather a choice that we make. He states:

"This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"

How incredible is that! I know it is hard to overcome the habit of expressing frustration through anger. It takes discipline. Ever notice how it is easier to become angry with our families versus friends, coworkers, or bosses?

Gordon B. Hinckley and Thomas S. Monson have asked the question, “Why is it that the ones we love most become so frequently the targets of our harsh words?" 

I know that in any family unit, whether it be nuclear, or blended, the emotion of anger has the capacity to destroy relationships and homes. This is the hope of the adversary. Understanding the source of anger will inspire wholesome communication in the home. As I have thought of times in my family life where love has been apparent and anger dispelled one persons presence has always been felt: the Holy Ghost. I feel that is why satan is trying his hardest to stir up contention in the home, for if the spirit is not there he has greater influence on those who reside there. 

In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gives the following counsel: 

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

 Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away." (3 Nephi 11:29-30). 

When I am a wife and mother I will have the sacred obligation to nurture my children. My husband will have the sacred obligation of being the protector of our children. With these obligations entrusted to us we will have to discuss on how we will eliminate contention and anger in our home. 

One thing I want to be sure of is that our home is a place where the Holy Ghost can reside. In order to feel his presence in our home, we will have to establish habits that will invite him into our home. These include, family prayer, family scripture study, respect, and wholesome media. I know that the home is the place where parents can teach their children correct principles and practices. When anger surfaces in our home, I hope my husband and I will take it as an opportunity to teach our children how to communicate when they are frustrated. 

Though I do not have a home or family of my own, I can make my college apartment a place where the spirit can reside. I can also work on not becoming angry with those around me. In order to protect my future "nestlings" I need to first protect myself. 

"God's Parenting Us"

Ever heard that kids don't come with an owner's manual? I have, and the thought scares me to death! I learned so much in my family relations class this week about parenting. My professor used the works of Michael Popkins, founder of Active Parenting, for the content of our class. I loved it! My eyes were definitely opened to new ideas and concepts. Popkin's philosophy is this: teach character, not behaviour. In other words, if you meet a child's needs, the behaviour should take care of itself. Often times behaviours are reactions to an unmeant need. Cool eh? Make sense.

 Needs that children have:            Behaviour when need isn't met:          Parent's approach:          

- contact and belonging                   - undue attention seeking       - show affection, allow to contribute 

- power                                                 - rebellion                           - choices & consequences 

- protection                                           - revenge                             - allow child to be assertive

                                                                                                                   

             

Contact and Belonging: I am not one for physical touch. I have a big bubble labeled "personal space." I'll have to get over this before I have children. Popkins teaches that children need to feel that they are accepted and loved. One of the ways parents can meet this need is to express love to their children, specifically through physical touch. A simple hug, or high five will do. Popkins also teaches that we need to allow children to contribute, such as putting the dishes away, taking the garbage out, or cleaning up toys. By doing this, a child will feel like they belong. My professor gave an example that I found insightful. He said that when he would place foster kids in homes, he would counsel the parents to allow the children to contribute through simple tasks. This would help the child feel needed and accepted.  

Power: I was a little confused by this at first. Power doesn't always mean "over someone," but also the ability to feel in control of ones life. Popkins teaches that we need to allow children to make choices, and accept the consequences associated with the choice. If we take time to explain choices to our children, and relate the consequences for each choice, children will feel the need to be in control of their life. 

Protection: I really liked learning about this one! Children need to feel that their opinions matter. We all yearn to freely express what we think. We want the protection that others wont belittle are ideas and thoughts. Popkins teaches that we need to allow are children to be assertive. Allowing children to state what they feel, increases their confidence. Sometimes it can be hard for a parent, this is where patience comes in. 

Though I am not a parent, I have been around children enough to know they can cause major frustration. (I can't imagine how frustrating I was to my parents!) I know it's easier to raise your voice when your frustrated with a child then to think of a quality response. I believe this is so because it is much easier to be a natural man or woman, then it is to practice the Christ-like attribute of patience. I have been thinking of what I can do now to apply these principles in my life. I keep coming back to the attribute of patience. I want to work on this now so that when I have my family of creation I wont be a "natural parent," but a parent like God himself. My professor shared the thought that God is parenting us. I feel it is wise to ponder on how He sees fit to parent His children. 

I will be parenting children who will be part of the second coming of Christ, thus it is invaluable that I seek God's will in the raising of them. 

 "The best manual for parenting is the Book of Mormon." (Brother Williams)