Our Best Defense

Our Best Defense against Pornography

By Kerry Hanson Jensen

article found here 

In one verse of scripture, I found my family’s key to avoiding the explicit images that seemed to be everywhere.

I was shopping for school clothes with my nine-year-old son when our conversation turned from lighthearted chitchat to a more serious question. “Mom, why do they have to put that stuff in all the store windows?”

“That stuff” he was referring to was immodest pictures displayed in the windows of just about every shop we passed. Although pictures like these had always been there, I hadn’t paid much attention to them before. But the fact that my oldest son was starting to take notice awakened a new awareness in me. Over the next weeks, I began to see these images everywhere: on television, at the grocery store, at restaurants, in advertisements that came in the mail. I couldn’t get away from them. Some images were so explicit that I began to feel perplexed, and a feeling of alarm began to grow in my heart. How was I supposed to protect my family from the traps of pornography?

Every general conference we hear warnings about its devastating effects, and we have been acquainted with its victims. We had taken all of the precautions at home with our computer and the media we allowed there, but clearly, unless our children were quarantined, there seemed to be no way to completely avoid seeing unwanted images that might lead to further curiosity. Could my son’s innocent gaze at the grocery store turn into a lifetime struggle with pornography? My anxiety over this issue grew, and I began to feel a sense of helplessness and vulnerability in protecting my children.

Then one day while I was reading in the Book of Mormon, I unexpectedly found reassurance in 1 Nephi 15. Nephi is explaining Lehi’s vision of the tree of life to Laman and Lemuel when they ask the meaning of the river of water. Nephi answers in verse 27:

 “And I said unto them that the water which my father saw was filthiness; and so much was his mind swallowed up in other things that he beheld not the filthiness of the water” Lehi’s mind was focused on the tree of life and getting his family to it to partake of its fruit! He didn’t even see the filthiness because of this focus.

That was the answer! Keeping inappropriate media out of our home was a start, but a more direct and conscious effort to teach our children the gospel is what would ultimately be their best defense against anything that could lead them away.

Because of this experience with the scriptures, my husband and I decided to redouble our efforts in teaching our children and thus keep our eyes on the love of God instead of the filthiness in the world. We have felt impressed to focus on three different areas*:

1. Increasing our own personal scripture study and decreasing the “noise” around us. Like Lehi, our minds must be filled with positive things in order to hear the promptings of the Spirit and to keep us focused on anchoring our family in the gospel. My husband and I try to regularly spend time talking about the spiritual needs of each individual in the family and how we can meet those needs and create a home where the Spirit can thrive.

2. Making family scripture study more meaningful. Although it takes a lot of effort just to gather the family together daily to read scriptures, we are trying to have more discussion when we read the scriptures. We have a wide range of ages with our children, so we read scriptures with the younger kids later in the day and the oldest kids early in the morning when the little ones are asleep so there is less distraction and more opportunity for discussion. We have found that almost daily there is discussion of current events that relates to the scriptures we are reading.

Most mornings are far from idyllic, but with perseverance we are finding that the kids really are listening and participating, even though sometimes it takes a lot of effort to get everyone together.

3. Doing missionary work. When we bear testimony, the Spirit testifies that what we are saying is true, and our testimonies grow. We are trying to make missionary work a family affair. We talk about sharing the gospel, and we regularly invite friends to our home. We also take every opportunity to have the missionaries and investigators over for gospel discussion. We have had wonderful experiences with new members of the Church and investigators in our home, and it has made an impression on our children as they reflect on their own testimonies and hear those of the missionaries.

I am so grateful for the Book of Mormon and the miraculous way a single verse of scripture has given me reassurance and a clear direction for our family. The scriptures can truly replace fear and helplessness with power and peace.

That's a Wrap!

This semester has flown by! I am so grateful I was able to take FAM160 Family Relations at BYU-Idaho. My tuition was worth it just for this class! As I have spent the day studying for my final exam I have pondered on how much knowledge I have gained. 

When I was little my sister and I would spend hours playing with our dolls. We loved it! We couldn't wait for the day when we would have our own babies. I can remember how much I loved babysitting, for it helped me catch a glimpse of what it would be like to take care real babies. 

Many young girls have hope chests filled with items they have collected for their future family. I am no different. I can remember making an apron in achievement days and being ecstatic to add it to my hope chest. Through the years I would constantly add items I found. Over the years I have accumulated quite a bit of stuff. I remember one day my brother was helping me organize it all. He said to me, "Katelyn when you bring a man home I am going to show him all of your stuff so he know's what he is getting himself into!"  

It is true that I have accumulated quite a bit of treasures. I am grateful for this class, for it has allowed me to prepare for my future family in a different way. It has given me tools to help create my future family with intention. I'll be forever grateful for it.  

"You will be the most important teacher your children will ever have, so choose your learning carefully. Bless your children and your future home by learning as much as you can now." Mary N. Cook 

Protect the Nestlings

I remember it vividly, it was Christmas eve, it was late in the morning. Mom was upstairs cooking, the Christmas lights were on, all 4 kids (two preteen, and two teenagers) sat on the downstairs couches waiting somewhat patiently for the technician to install our early Christmas present: satellite tv. Oh we were ecstatic! No longer would we have to make the trek to grandma's house (a short walk) to watch our favorite shows. The time had come. The boys would finally get their NBA, and the girls would finally get unlimited access to the disney channel. After what seemed like hours, the technician placed the remote in my dad's hand.

 We cheerfully called for mom to come downstairs so we could watch the first show as a family. What was the show? Tim Allen's classic Home Improvement series. Oh we laughed and laughed. For a short time we all sat as one big happy family, that quickly faded however once the show was over. All 4 kids had waited eagerly for the chance to watch "their" show. With only one tv screen that was impossible. That tv would prove the anger that can overcome a family, that is if we choose to let it. Oh how my siblings and I fought over that tv! 

"It's game 7 of the NBA finals! I HAVE to watch it!"

"No way, there's a new episode of Hannah Montana on!"

"Go watch it at grandma's, this is more important!"

(screaming loudly) "MOM!!! We called the tv at dinner and now the boys wont let us have it."

Yes that tv caused serious contention and anger in my family. After briefly discussing anger in my family relations class this week I have felt impressed to study it further. I found this talk by Lynn G. Robbins that has helped me understand anger and the contention it can cause. He begins by saying something I find profound, 

"We learn in the proclamation on the family that “the family is central to the Creator’s plan” and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” and a “sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness” The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members."

How many of us have heard these common phrases:

"He made me mad"

“I lost my temper”

“But I can’t help myself”

The talk goes on to explain that many individuals feel anger is uncontrollable, Elder Robbins makes it clear that anger is not an uncontrollable emotion, but rather a choice that we make. He states:

"This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!"

How incredible is that! I know it is hard to overcome the habit of expressing frustration through anger. It takes discipline. Ever notice how it is easier to become angry with our families versus friends, coworkers, or bosses?

Gordon B. Hinckley and Thomas S. Monson have asked the question, “Why is it that the ones we love most become so frequently the targets of our harsh words?" 

I know that in any family unit, whether it be nuclear, or blended, the emotion of anger has the capacity to destroy relationships and homes. This is the hope of the adversary. Understanding the source of anger will inspire wholesome communication in the home. As I have thought of times in my family life where love has been apparent and anger dispelled one persons presence has always been felt: the Holy Ghost. I feel that is why satan is trying his hardest to stir up contention in the home, for if the spirit is not there he has greater influence on those who reside there. 

In the Book of Mormon, Jesus Christ gives the following counsel: 

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

 Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away." (3 Nephi 11:29-30). 

When I am a wife and mother I will have the sacred obligation to nurture my children. My husband will have the sacred obligation of being the protector of our children. With these obligations entrusted to us we will have to discuss on how we will eliminate contention and anger in our home. 

One thing I want to be sure of is that our home is a place where the Holy Ghost can reside. In order to feel his presence in our home, we will have to establish habits that will invite him into our home. These include, family prayer, family scripture study, respect, and wholesome media. I know that the home is the place where parents can teach their children correct principles and practices. When anger surfaces in our home, I hope my husband and I will take it as an opportunity to teach our children how to communicate when they are frustrated. 

Though I do not have a home or family of my own, I can make my college apartment a place where the spirit can reside. I can also work on not becoming angry with those around me. In order to protect my future "nestlings" I need to first protect myself. 

"God's Parenting Us"

Ever heard that kids don't come with an owner's manual? I have, and the thought scares me to death! I learned so much in my family relations class this week about parenting. My professor used the works of Michael Popkins, founder of Active Parenting, for the content of our class. I loved it! My eyes were definitely opened to new ideas and concepts. Popkin's philosophy is this: teach character, not behaviour. In other words, if you meet a child's needs, the behaviour should take care of itself. Often times behaviours are reactions to an unmeant need. Cool eh? Make sense.

 Needs that children have:            Behaviour when need isn't met:          Parent's approach:          

- contact and belonging                   - undue attention seeking       - show affection, allow to contribute 

- power                                                 - rebellion                           - choices & consequences 

- protection                                           - revenge                             - allow child to be assertive

                                                                                                                   

             

Contact and Belonging: I am not one for physical touch. I have a big bubble labeled "personal space." I'll have to get over this before I have children. Popkins teaches that children need to feel that they are accepted and loved. One of the ways parents can meet this need is to express love to their children, specifically through physical touch. A simple hug, or high five will do. Popkins also teaches that we need to allow children to contribute, such as putting the dishes away, taking the garbage out, or cleaning up toys. By doing this, a child will feel like they belong. My professor gave an example that I found insightful. He said that when he would place foster kids in homes, he would counsel the parents to allow the children to contribute through simple tasks. This would help the child feel needed and accepted.  

Power: I was a little confused by this at first. Power doesn't always mean "over someone," but also the ability to feel in control of ones life. Popkins teaches that we need to allow children to make choices, and accept the consequences associated with the choice. If we take time to explain choices to our children, and relate the consequences for each choice, children will feel the need to be in control of their life. 

Protection: I really liked learning about this one! Children need to feel that their opinions matter. We all yearn to freely express what we think. We want the protection that others wont belittle are ideas and thoughts. Popkins teaches that we need to allow are children to be assertive. Allowing children to state what they feel, increases their confidence. Sometimes it can be hard for a parent, this is where patience comes in. 

Though I am not a parent, I have been around children enough to know they can cause major frustration. (I can't imagine how frustrating I was to my parents!) I know it's easier to raise your voice when your frustrated with a child then to think of a quality response. I believe this is so because it is much easier to be a natural man or woman, then it is to practice the Christ-like attribute of patience. I have been thinking of what I can do now to apply these principles in my life. I keep coming back to the attribute of patience. I want to work on this now so that when I have my family of creation I wont be a "natural parent," but a parent like God himself. My professor shared the thought that God is parenting us. I feel it is wise to ponder on how He sees fit to parent His children. 

I will be parenting children who will be part of the second coming of Christ, thus it is invaluable that I seek God's will in the raising of them. 

 "The best manual for parenting is the Book of Mormon." (Brother Williams) 

Lessons Learned from Fox News and a cold Dr. Pepper

Last Thursday was a long day. I had class, spent all afternoon/early evening in the library, then dinner, and a meeting. It snowed most of the day, and it was cold. I got home from campus a little before nine. I'm going to have a Dr. Pepper and watch Fox News I thought to myself. Yes, that's what I'll do. So I grabbed a Dr. Pepper from under my bed and watched the O'Rielly Factor. As I was watching the news I had the thought come to me my dad would be proud me. You see, growing up it was routine in my house that every night at nine dad would sit in front of the tv, usually with a cold Dr. Pepper, and watch fox news, specifically the O'Rielly Factor. Occasionally my sister and I would join him. Fast forward a few years and there I was sitting in my college apartment doing the exact same thing. At that moment I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my father. In that moment I was grateful for what he has taught me. 

This past week I've been researching the works of Linda Nielsen. I have learned a ton and wanted to share it with y'all.

The relationship quality a father has with his daughter influences her in countless ways. I studied five developmental areas that are affected by such relationships. These include cognitive, academic/vocational, individuation, social, and sexual activity.

Cognitive: Whether he is aware of it or not, a father has a profound impact on the cognitive development of his daughter. According to Nielsen, a father influences his daughter’s cognitive skills in early toddlerhood (72).  A father’s parenting style commonly encourages a child to take “calculated risks and to be adventuresome,” thus enhancing a child’s cognitive development (Nielsen 72). Fathers, more so than mothers, engage their children in play that is intellectually stimulating and physically demanding. Neilsen writes that a father affects their daughter’s intellectual confidence through encouraging endeavor excitement (73). Nielsen describes this as “the pleasure the young daughter experiences when she is independently exploring her world and mastering new skills” (73).  When a father encourages autonomy early in his daughter’s life, he is preparing her to take initiative and responsibilities in her future opportunities. 

Academic/Vocational: A father has a substantial impact on a daughters academic and vocational pursuits. Because a father encourages endeavor excitement in toddlerhood, daughters tend to “feel comfortable being competitive, asserting themselves, taking credit for their own success, and being ambitious and self-reliant” all of which positively impact a daughters academic and vocational achievement (Nielsen 74). Nielsen writes that a healthy father – daughter relationship in teen years is a greater predictor in future academic success than a healthy mother – relationship  (74).  Interestingly noted, Perkins asserts that daughters who have involved fathers tend to do better academically in college rather than those with protective or negligent fathers (qut. in Neilsen 74). 

Individuation: Along with cognitive development, and academic/vocational success, fathers have a role in the individuation (“process of separating enough from both parents to form an autonomous, strong identity of one’s own”) of their daughter (Nielsen 78).  Nielsen encourages fathers to create conversations with their daughters that encourage individuation by “allowing her to disagree with him and by encouraging her autonomy.” (79).  Nielsen explains this will develop a daughter’s independency, and self-direction, thus creating a well-balanced life (78).  The daughter is thus able to be successful in her personal and professional life, knowing she has her father’s support, without the need of constant approval. Nielsen warns that fathers who make their daughters feel loved based upon achievements, or insist their daughters hold similar opinions will become anxious, insecure, and vulnerable (79-80).  She “constantly feels the need to prove herself and to have her decisions validated by her father – or by other men in positions of power like her boss” (Neilsen 80). 

Social: A father also has influence on a daughter’s social development. Nielsen refers to social development as “the ability to make friends, communicate well and resolve differences with others, and not being overly dependent on others for approval and self worth” (86). According to Kosterman, elementary school age girls who have a good relationship with their fathers tend to be well behaved in class and association with peers, Mori mentions that high school and college age girls with nurturing fathers are more self-confident than girls with emotionally distant or absent fathers (qtd. in Neilsen 86). A daughter who has a secure, loving relationship with her father is “most likely to create emotionally intimate, fulfilling relationships with other men in her life” (Neilsen 87). Daughters with nurturing dads learn how to communicate honestly and openly, resolve conflicts, “feel comfortable disagreeing and expressing her own needs, and express anger and disappointment in appropriate ways,” she is also able to be herself in intimate relationships with men (Neilsen 87). Danes, Freman, and Kitzmann report that fathers generally have more of an impact on the quality of their daughter’s romantic relationships than the mother (qut. in Neilsen 87).

Sexual Relationships: While the “birds and bees” conversation is awkward and uncomfortable for most fathers, countless research reports that fathers who have such conversations with their daughters are more likely to have healthy sexual relationships (Neilsen 89).  Research by Katz states that college age daughters “whose fathers have been involved and responsive are more assertive and more self-confident about refusing to have sex” (qtd. in Neilsen 89).  

A father is perhaps the greatest influence a young woman can have. Fathers play a crucial role in the cognitive, academic/vocational, individuation, social, and sexual development of their daughters. In researching this paper I have found that fatherhood is not only created in the birth of a child, but in the raising of that child.

The best first date. 

Works cited:  

Nielsen, Linda. Textbooks in Family Studies : Father-Daughter Relationships :

Contemporary Research and Issues. London, GBR: Routledge, 2012. ProQuest ebrary. Web. 25 November 2015.

Learning about Family Councils

I'm guilty of falling into the "when I'm married" trap.

When I'm married I'll be better at budgeting my money.

When I'm married I'll have an exercise routine.

When I'm married I'll be a really good cook.

.

.

.

The list could go on and on. I'll admit I'm better than I used to be, but I'm still guilty nonetheless. Last week I came across an article by Dr. Larry Eastland. The article contains counsel he gave to young adults while serving as bishop in a young single adult ward. Interestedly enough the article discusses the mentality of waiting until marriage to fully commit to certain principles and practices. The council given invites young adults to change the way they view their current stage of life. Rather than thinking of yourself as a young adult, we are counselled to think of ourselves as a family of one. 

Bishop Eastland states, "You are now a “Family of One.” How you will act when you share responsibilities in a family of two .. . and then more . . . is largely being determined today from the habits you are now forming. "

In other words how we live now affects how we live in the future. 

Now to switch gears for a minute.

In my family relations class this week we discussed communication in the family. A large measure of the discussion was on family councils. A family council is when a family gathers together on a regular basis to discuss matters relevant to their specific needs. 

In researching the topic further in several academic journal articles I found that family councils serve several functions such as the following (I realize some of these are in the context of family buisness councils, however I feel the same principles apply): 

-      1.  formal bodies that meet on a regular basis that represent different branches and/or generations of the family.

-       2. discussion allows for exchange of thoughts and opinions and thus may prevent or at least help to resolve various family-related conflicts.

-      3.  serve several teambuilding functions: creating and/or strengthening a shared vision, clarifying roles and responsibilities, and providing a forum for establishing norms of behavior for current and future family owners. ” [i]

-     4. the family to express its needs, expectations and values regarding the business to develop policies that protect the family's long-term interests.[ii]

I love the idea that a family council enables a family to have a shared vision of their eternal goals. In Counselling with our Counsels by M. Russell Ballard we learn the format in which the brethren of the church counsel together. Though this is specific to church counsels, I believe the principles can be applied to family counsels as well.

Council of the first presidency and quorum of the twelve

1.) meet in the temple 

2.) meet on Thursday 

3.) before they begin they express love and concern for one another

4.) open with prayer

5.) discuss to consensus, regarding what the Lord would have done 

6.) close with prayer  

7.) enjoy refreshments together

I believe a strong family council contains a similar structure. 

1.) meeting in a sacred place (your own home)

2.) meet at a regular time each week 

3.) express love and concern for one another

4.) pray together 

5.) discuss to consensus matters involving the family, seeking guidance from the Lord

6.) finishing with prayer

7.) enjoy refreshments together 

One thing that sticks out to me in this structure is the idea of coming to consensus rather than compromise. Consensus refers to agreement of an entire party, while compromise means someone has had to slightly modify their position. Being a family and consumer science major I loved learning that the brethren have refreshments together! There really is something special about sharing a treat together and engaging in carefree conversation. 

A had the wonderful opportunity to get to know a family who holds a weekly family council. I asked her to share some of her secrets with me. 

Having a family council once a week has been a huge blessing to our family! It is a time for all of us to coordinate our busy schedules and form a plan for the week. With several of us needing to be many places it helps reduce stress and confusion. It has also helped us to not over schedule ourselves. There have been many times when we have looked at what is coming up during the week and see that some of it may not be possible and since we do it on Sunday afternoon it gives us time to reschedule or eliminate some things. We also use it for a time to allow our children to learn how to lead. Each week one person is in charge of planning a devotional to start our meeting. It includes an opening prayer, hymn and short spiritual thought. Then we do family scripture study. Next we plan our week and go over household chore assignments. We also set a family goal each week-sometimes it is a physical thing to do around the house or yard and sometimes it is a character goal like being more forgiving or less bossy to our siblings. We also include a few minutes for ideas and concerns. This is a time for anyone to bring up anything they would like to talk about as a family. We have tried to make it a "safe" time where ALL ideas are considered and discussed. We then end by reciting our Family Mission Statement and then a prayer. Occasionally we have a family testimony meeting. We have been doing this since 1999. We have a Family Council page that we fill out each week and keep in a binder which includes everything we talk about so it is a family history as well! I have a STRONG testimony of the blessings that come from doing family council.

I am grateful for this family's example of diligence in counselling together as a family. I also found this resource that gives suggestions for holding an effective family council.

Now you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with the idea of considering myself as a family of one rather than a young single adult. My idea is this: I can have a family of one council. I can set time aside each week to assess the current challenges and needs in my life. I can then set goals and make plans to improve. I can take these concerns to the Lord and seek His will for what to do. I always want to be in consensus with Him. I feel as I make this a habit now, it will greatly bless my future family. 

"May I encourage you to come to yourself? In the Church, when important decisions must be made, we often hold council meetings. Family councils serve a similar purpose. You may want to conduct what I’ll call a “personal council.” After praying, spend some time alone. Think about what is ahead. Ask yourself: “What areas of my life do I want to strengthen so that I can strengthen others? Where do I want to be a year from now? two years from now? What choices do I need to make to get there?” Just remember, you are a pilot, and you are in charge. I testify that as you come to yourself, your Heavenly Father will come to you. By the comforting hand of His Holy Spirit, He will help you along." Robert D. Hales 

Once again I am grateful for the opportunity to be at BYU Idaho and learn these invaluable principles.

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[i]  Berent-Braun, Marta M., and Lorraine M. Uhlaner. "Family Governance Practices And Teambuilding: Paradox Of The Enterprising Family." Small Business Economics 38.1 (2012): 103-119. EconLit with Full Text. Web. 19 Nov. 2015.

[ii] K.E. Gersick, J.A. Davis, M. McCollom Hampton, I. Lansberg .”Generation to generation. Life cycles of a family business.” Harvard Business School Press, Boston (1997)

God Just Hears a Melody

I had the opportunity to serve a full-time mission. For 18 months I left my home in Alberta Canada and headed for the southern states. During the year and a half I was away I lived in Louisiana, Texas, and Mississippi. While there I devoted all my time and attention to Christ and sharing His gospel. I was only the ripe age of 20. The experience was one of the greatest blessings of my life, it was also the hardest time of my life. For both of these reasons I look to my mission as a very sacred experience. It is hard for me to share some experiences from my mission because they are so sacred to me, for it was the time I grew to know and love my Savior. 

 

While my mission held many moments of pure joy, it also held moments of loneliness and discouragement. There was a song that would frequently come to mind whenever I experienced these feelings. 

The chorus specifically struck me. 

We pour out our miseries

God just hears a melody

Beautiful, the mess we are

The honest cries of breaking hearts

Are better than a Hallelujah 

I would hear the tune to the song in my head then I'd find God telling me, "You are okay. I am here." This experience would happen over and over. 

Why does God give us trials?

Because it refines us.

Having trials breaks our hearts, it humbles us. Trials gives us the opportunity to rely on Christ and His atonement. 

I felt close to him on those hard days. I knew he was there. 

 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

We all have different coping strategies when times get tough. What is coping? The ability to deal effectively with something difficult. When times get tough for me I lean on Christ's grace. (I am so thankful for grace!) 

I know that when I have my family of creation we will not be exempt from adversity. It is important to establish early on (even in courtship) the coping mechanisms we will rely on. The earlier the habit formed, the more beneficial it'll be when crisis comes. 

In my class this week my professor said something I found pretty profound. He said that if you understand the principles of something the practices are easy to figure out. So what are the principles of coping? 

Pool Coping 

Pool coping is the ledge around the outside of a pool. It is a pivotal part of the pool. It has to be strong to hold the weight of someone standing on the edge, as well as smooth so someone can sit by it and not have their swimming suit ripe. The coping also hangs over the edge of the pool providing a handle for someone to hold onto. It is on a slight slant to allow water that splashes over the edge to flow away from the pool into the deck drains. In essence the pool coping keeps things in there proper place. 

The principle I gain from this is that one needs coping practices that are strong and will keep things in place when adversity comes. It also has to be in place well before the crisis happens. 

I am grateful for Jesus Christ, for He has been my anchor when times grow hard. After all He has already experienced the trial and therefore knows how to cope with it. 

  "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."

(Alma 7:11-12)

I know that when we experience adversity it is easy to see it as a time of misery, but I know God truly sees it as a melody. An experience to turn to Him and seek His guidance. I know the purpose of trials is to break our hearts and have them changed; changed to become the person God created us to be. 

"Adversities are temporary. What is permanent is what we become by the way we react to them." (Elder Dallin H. Oaks) Find the talk here.

A Love Like John and Mary

In A Parent's Guide, we learn this invaluable truth: 

"Our mortal test is to learn to choose the lives and roles that lead to eternal families and exaltation."

To me, this quotation sums the entirety of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that as I turn to Christ, I am able to learn and choose the path He desires for me. 

 I recently came across a book by President Spencer W. Kimball that I love. It's called Faith Precedes the Miracle. One part in particular describes President Kimball interviewing a couple, John and Mary, the day before their wedding. I love the advice that he gave this young couple. I realize that it was written in 1975, and some might view the advice as outdated and old fashioned, but I consider it to be just as valid today as it was then. President Kimball  gave the following counsel to John and Mary. 

"Now, Mary and John, there is an indispensable element in this happiness you desire. There must be fidelity and confidence. John, you have had a legitimate and proper opportunity these past years to look the world over for a wife, to date numerous girls, and to compare and contrast them with one another, weighing their virtues and attractions, and finally, of them all you have selected Mary as the one with whom you wish to be associated forever, the one who reaches such heights of perfection in your eyes that she is worthy not only to be your helpmeet but also the mother of your posterity. You have built for Mary a pedestal, and placing her on it, will never permit any other ever to share the place with her. She is your queen, your counterpart, your love throughout the eternities.

And you, Mary, have had the same privilege of comparing all the boys who came to see you, and you have selected John as the finest specimen of young manhood, the most desirable companion, to be your husband and the father of your children; and now, having made your choice, this is final. You have built a pedestal on which you have placed John, and no one may ever share that place with him. Never again will you look upon any man as you have John, for he is now your mate and sweetheart and husband for eternities.

Henceforth, your eyes will never wander; your thoughts will never stray; in a very literal way you will keep yourselves for each other only, in mind and body and spirit. You will remember that the Lord Jesus Christ said:

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matt. 5:27–28.)

And, it can be paraphrased also to say, “… she that looketh upon a man to lust after him hath committed adultery already with him in her heart.” And I want to say to you, also, that flirting by married people, even though they think it innocent and limited, is a serious sin and is the approach toward eventual downfall. A very large share of all divorces have their origin in infidelity of one or both parties, so you can see how important it is to heed this warning and strictly avoid even the appearance of or approach toward evil.

Now, John and Mary, being human, you may some day have differences of opinion resulting even in little quarrels. Neither of you will be so unfaithful to the other as to go back to your parents or friends and discuss with them your little differences. That would be gross disloyalty. Your intimate life is your own and must not be shared with or confided in others."

President Kimball's council summarizes the class discussion we had on the topic of marriage intimacy and fidelity. I've had several thoughts come to me from the discussion, I will share two.

First.

We must be very careful not to talk about marital disagreements or conflicts outside of

marriage, whether it be with family or friends. I know there are exceptions to this, such as spousal abuse. However for minor disagreements or challenges it's important to keep them between husband and wife. To always complain to a friend about your spouse's flaws diminishes trust and confidence in each other. Also once the conflict is resolved, it wont be resolved with the family member or friend, they will forever remember that "John looked up his old girlfriend on facebook."

Second.

Infidelity starts with a single thought. I've often thought of infidelity as cheating, or being addicted to pornography. This week I was able to learn that one can be unfaithful simply by the movies they watch, the books they read, or the music they listen to. In thinking of this, I've done a bit of introspection. Though I am not yet married, I want to eliminate actions and thoughts from my conduct now that will enable me to be faithful to my future spouse in thought, word, and deed. I've contemplated habits that I need to change. For starters: 

Why am I listening to music that promotes infidelity? These songs should be deleted from my playlist. Why should I be listening to such garbage? 

Why do I spend time on pinterest pinning countless pictures of attractive men? This is something I need to change. I am not proud of it. 

I want to avoid the common college girl talk about guys. That's a hard one because being a college student, I'm around it all the time. I want to move to a higher plane of thought on the subject. 

These are just a few habits I've desired to change after the knowledge I was able to learn this week. Each week I have an increased gratitude for the opportunity I have to learn about family relationships. I know that the knowledge I am learning is enabling me to intentionally choose a life that will lead to an eternal family and exaltation. 

"Our mortal test is to learn to choose the lives and roles that lead to eternal families and exaltation."