I'm guilty of falling into the "when I'm married" trap.
When I'm married I'll be better at budgeting my money.
When I'm married I'll have an exercise routine.
When I'm married I'll be a really good cook.
.
.
.
The list could go on and on. I'll admit I'm better than I used to be, but I'm still guilty nonetheless. Last week I came across an article by Dr. Larry Eastland. The article contains counsel he gave to young adults while serving as bishop in a young single adult ward. Interestedly enough the article discusses the mentality of waiting until marriage to fully commit to certain principles and practices. The council given invites young adults to change the way they view their current stage of life. Rather than thinking of yourself as a young adult, we are counselled to think of ourselves as a family of one.
Bishop Eastland states, "You are now a “Family of One.” How you will act when you share responsibilities in a family of two .. . and then more . . . is largely being determined today from the habits you are now forming. "
In other words how we live now affects how we live in the future.
Now to switch gears for a minute.
In my family relations class this week we discussed communication in the family. A large measure of the discussion was on family councils. A family council is when a family gathers together on a regular basis to discuss matters relevant to their specific needs.
In researching the topic further in several academic journal articles I found that family councils serve several functions such as the following (I realize some of these are in the context of family buisness councils, however I feel the same principles apply):
- 1. formal bodies that meet on a regular basis that
represent different branches and/or generations of the family.
- 2. discussion allows for exchange of thoughts
and opinions and thus may prevent or at least help to resolve various
family-related conflicts.
- 3. serve several teambuilding functions: creating and/or strengthening a shared vision,
clarifying roles and responsibilities, and providing a forum for establishing
norms of behavior for current and future family owners. ” [i]
- 4. the family to express its needs, expectations and
values regarding the business to develop policies that protect the family's
long-term interests.[ii]
I love the idea that a family council enables a family to have a shared vision of their eternal goals. In Counselling with our Counsels by M. Russell Ballard we learn the format in which the brethren of the church counsel together. Though this is specific to church counsels, I believe the principles can be applied to family counsels as well.
Council of the first presidency and quorum of the twelve
1.) meet in the temple
2.) meet on Thursday
3.) before they begin they express love and concern for one another
4.) open with prayer
5.) discuss to consensus, regarding what the Lord would have done
6.) close with prayer
7.) enjoy refreshments together
I believe a strong family council contains a similar structure.
1.) meeting in a sacred place (your own home)
2.) meet at a regular time each week
3.) express love and concern for one another
4.) pray together
5.) discuss to consensus matters involving the family, seeking guidance from the Lord
6.) finishing with prayer
7.) enjoy refreshments together
One thing that sticks out to me in this structure is the idea of coming to consensus rather than compromise. Consensus refers to agreement of an entire party, while compromise means someone has had to slightly modify their position. Being a family and consumer science major I loved learning that the brethren have refreshments together! There really is something special about sharing a treat together and engaging in carefree conversation.
A had the wonderful opportunity to get to know a family who holds a weekly family council. I asked her to share some of her secrets with me.
Having a family council once a week has been a huge blessing to our family! It is a time for all of us to coordinate our busy schedules and form a plan for the week. With several of us needing to be many places it helps reduce stress and confusion. It has also helped us to not over schedule ourselves. There have been many times when we have looked at what is coming up during the week and see that some of it may not be possible and since we do it on Sunday afternoon it gives us time to reschedule or eliminate some things. We also use it for a time to allow our children to learn how to lead. Each week one person is in charge of planning a devotional to start our meeting. It includes an opening prayer, hymn and short spiritual thought. Then we do family scripture study. Next we plan our week and go over household chore assignments. We also set a family goal each week-sometimes it is a physical thing to do around the house or yard and sometimes it is a character goal like being more forgiving or less bossy to our siblings. We also include a few minutes for ideas and concerns. This is a time for anyone to bring up anything they would like to talk about as a family. We have tried to make it a "safe" time where ALL ideas are considered and discussed. We then end by reciting our Family Mission Statement and then a prayer. Occasionally we have a family testimony meeting. We have been doing this since 1999. We have a Family Council page that we fill out each week and keep in a binder which includes everything we talk about so it is a family history as well! I have a STRONG testimony of the blessings that come from doing family council.
I am grateful for this family's example of diligence in counselling together as a family. I also found this resource that gives suggestions for holding an effective family council.
Now you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with the idea of considering myself as a family of one rather than a young single adult. My idea is this: I can have a family of one council. I can set time aside each week to assess the current challenges and needs in my life. I can then set goals and make plans to improve. I can take these concerns to the Lord and seek His will for what to do. I always want to be in consensus with Him. I feel as I make this a habit now, it will greatly bless my future family.
"May I encourage you to come to yourself? In the Church, when important decisions must be made, we often hold council meetings. Family councils serve a similar purpose. You may want to conduct what I’ll call a “personal council.” After praying, spend some time alone. Think about what is ahead. Ask yourself: “What areas of my life do I want to strengthen so that I can strengthen others? Where do I want to be a year from now? two years from now? What choices do I need to make to get there?” Just remember, you are a pilot, and you are in charge. I testify that as you come to yourself, your Heavenly Father will come to you. By the comforting hand of His Holy Spirit, He will help you along." Robert D. Hales
Once again I am grateful for the opportunity to be at BYU Idaho and learn these invaluable principles.
[i] Berent-Braun, Marta M., and Lorraine M.
Uhlaner. "Family Governance Practices And Teambuilding: Paradox Of The
Enterprising Family." Small Business Economics 38.1
(2012): 103-119. EconLit with Full Text. Web. 19 Nov. 2015.
[ii] K.E.
Gersick, J.A. Davis, M. McCollom Hampton, I. Lansberg .”Generation to generation. Life cycles of a family business.”
Harvard Business School Press, Boston (1997)
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